Content Warning: This post contains discussions of miscarriage and early loss. Due to its heavy content we suggest you take breaks when necessary, and check in with yourself. We also encourage you to have a support person accessible to you — whether learning alongside you, in the next room, or a phone call away.
Written By Lolo Chaumont
As both a doula and a parent who has experienced pregnancy loss, I’ve witnessed firsthand the anxiety and fear that often accompany the early days of parenthood. I’ve also come to understand the overwhelming pressure to appear perfect and endlessly grateful, even in the face of the many challenges that arise during this time.
The journey to pregnancy can be long, challenging, and often incredibly expensive—especially for families relying on assisted fertility methods. Once the focus shifts from trying to conceive to “Wait a second, my 20-week ultrasound is next week?!”, many parents feel immense pressure to be, and remain, grateful—even as the difficulties of pregnancy and parenthood take hold. Regardless of whether infertility was part of their experience, most pregnant individuals will eventually hear comments like “pregnancy is a miracle/a blessing” when all they really need is someone to listen. This stage can silence parents, cutting them off from the validation they desperately need. They may face fears of another loss or simply want to vent about the discomforts of early pregnancy (and there are many!). Every parent and family, regardless of how they arrived at this point, deserves love, support, and empathy.
The Pressure to Always Be Grateful
After navigating the journey to conceive, the expectation to remain endlessly grateful can feel overwhelming and tiring. I’ve heard it countless times from the families I work with: “I shouldn’t complain.” Friends and family often remind them how lucky they are, and even their inner voice whispers, “This is what you wanted and waited for”.
But the truth is, pregnancy and parenthood are hard and it’s okay to acknowledge that. You can be filled with gratitude for your baby and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure. Struggling to conceive doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have moments of doubt or frustration along the way. As a doula I remind parents that even if they have a bad day or feel like this is too much, that doesn’t erase their joy with having their long awaited child. They’re not failing, and they’re not being ungrateful—they’re being human, having a peak life experience, feeling different flavors of emotion all at once and that’s ok.
Fear Doesn’t Disappear
For many parents who have faced fertility challenges, fear doesn’t vanish with a positive pregnancy test—it can actually intensify. When I first found out I was pregnant, it happened shortly after my partner, Christian, and I started trying (and not long after I realized I even wanted children). I dove headfirst into this new chapter with delirious joy. At the time, I was working at a restaurant, and I shared my pregnancy news with everyone—my managers, the bartenders, and even the mostly male, gruff kitchen staff. They all celebrated with me in a whirlwind of excitement.
But just 10 days after confirming the pregnancy at a walk-in clinic, I found myself spotting and doubled over with cramps in the restaurant bathroom. After that, I spent days frantically googling, doom-scrolling, texting anyone who would listen, crying, and waiting. In a strange way, it was the waiting that hurt the most—the uncertainty of not knowing how to begin processing what was happening. When the spotting intensified, we finally went to the hospital, where I was met with judgment from the triage nurse and condescension from the ER doctor and staff. It was shocking to experience such a loss of control over my body and to be treated as if I didn’t understand my own distress. Hearing someone tell me to “calm down” while I felt like my body was failing and expelling my baby was a devastating blow.
This loss deeply affected my next pregnancy, just three months later. When the pregnancy test came back positive, I had no joy left—only fear. I told Christian I wouldn’t allow myself to believe in it until I had passed the three-month mark. Looking back, I realize I could have given myself more time to grieve before trying again. But through educating myself, I learned more about miscarriage, how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it. Many people don’t even realize they’ve had a loss, and the process can take much longer than expected. I learned to avoid those internal questions and doubts—Was I too stressed? Did I not rest enough? Did I have a drink? If we didn’t isolate ourselves and were more open about our experiences with loss, we might be gentler on ourselves, and know that it wasn’t our fault. We might be more free to let go of those doubts instead of carrying them into future pregnancies.
Because of my experience, I know how anxiety can fill every doctor’s visit, and how each milestone brings new “what ifs.” The fear of something going wrong can overshadow the joy of being pregnant, and that’s hard! That fear doesn’t necessarily fade after the baby is born either—it shifts, now centered on questions like, “Am I doing this right?” or “Will my baby be okay?” Postpartum mental health struggles can make these worries even more intense. For some parents, this constant worry can make it difficult to fully enjoy the moment. But it’s important to acknowledge that fear and joy can coexist. You can be terrified and thrilled at the same time, and that’s okay.
As a doula, I help parents find that balance. I create a space where they can talk about their fears while also celebrating the beauty of each new stage. Together, we work on embracing the full range of emotions. Finding ways to express those feelings—both good and bad—is a crucial part of processing them and moving forward.
Holding Two Truths at Once, Instead of Holding Guilt
Ah, the parenting guilt—it emerges in almost any pregnancy topic and parenting experience and is one of the biggest challenges parents face after fertility struggles. There’s a sense that because they longed for this, they should never feel anything but gratitude. But parenting, like pregnancy, is exhausting and demanding. No matter how much you want(ed) this baby, the daily challenges are real!
I’ve worked with parents who feel guilty for needing a break, for feeling frustrated, or for wanting time for themselves. They feel like they’re not allowed to admit how hard it is. But here’s the truth: You can be madly in love with your baby and still find this journey incredibly difficult. You can be grateful for your child and still wish for a moment of peace.
Speaking of two trusts existing at one time—parenthood (and life) is full of contradictions, and it’s important to hold space for those contradictions. Learning to accept that will make the parenting journey much easier. This is something I emphasize with every parent I work with—both feelings are valid, and both deserve to be acknowledged.
Allowing yourself to experience all that comes with this new role is a practice and it is a gift. By holding two truths at once, parents can start to feel more at peace with their experiences and be able to move through them with more confidence.
Learning to Ask for Help
One of the most important lessons I share with parents—especially those who have been on a long fertility journey—is the value of asking for help. After working so hard to conceive, many fall into the trap of thinking they must do it all alone, believing that asking for help might signal failure or ingratitude. But asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s an acknowledgment that you’re human and that parenting is hard. Whether it’s support from a partner, friend, neighbor, or professional, reaching out can make all the difference. And a reminder—people often love being able to help. It can be just as rewarding for them as it is for you, even if it’s simply offering a nonjudgmental ear.
A positive takeaway from my own pregnancy loss was the fact that I had told everyone about my pregnancy. There’s a common recommendation not to share the news before twelve weeks, in case you experience the pain of having to explain a miscarriage. While I respect that this works for many, it was the opposite for me. Normally, I’m a private person, but in this case, I was so glad I had shared my brief joy with my work colleagues. It meant that when the loss happened, I could also share my pain, instead of suffering in silence as many people often suggest. I was a wreck in the weeks that followed, but everyone at my restaurant job knew why. And knowing why I was struggling was such a relief for me. One by one, my managers, servers, bartenders, and even the kitchen staff offered kind condolences without any judgment.
I know that everyone experiences loss differently, and there are many different kinds of pregnancy loss, so I recognize that what helped me may not work for everyone. But one lesson I feel applies to all is this: don’t isolate yourself. Lean on the people you trust. We don’t have enough language or rituals around pregnancy loss and maybe it’s time to change that. Maybe we need spaces where family and friends can come together to grieve and share in both joy and sorrow.
Help isn’t just about someone holding the baby for a few hours; it’s also about emotional support. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to—someone who understands what you’re going through—can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.
How a Doula Can Help
This is where hiring a doula can make all the difference. As a doula, I provide both practical and emotional support, helping parents navigate the often overwhelming world of pregnancy and new parenthood. My goal is to hold space for all the feelings—joy, fear, exhaustion—and help parents find balance in this new chapter of their lives.
At Brood, we specialize in supporting parents through the unique challenges that come with pregnancy, birth, and beyond. We understand that every journey is different, and we’re here to offer compassionate, nonjudgmental support every step of the way. Whether you need help preparing for birth, navigating postpartum life, or simply need someone to listen, we’re here for you.
You don’t have to go through this journey alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or silenced by the pressure to always stay grateful, know that it’s okay to ask for help. And if you’re looking for a supportive hand to guide you through this experience, consider reaching out to a doula. Together, we can create a space where all your feelings are welcome and where you can feel confident in both the joys and challenges of parenthood.
