Oh the joys of sibling preparations!

The birth of a new baby is an exciting event for the whole family. However, for the child who has enjoyed being center stage and the focus of your attention all their life, the arrival of a new baby can be very unsettling—and understandably so. Can you imagine what it would be like to feel that you have lost your special place inyour family? Suddenly, you are an “oldest”or “middle” child rather than an “only” child or the “baby” in the family. No wonder some children have difficulty adjusting.

Remember, while the birth of a new baby can be joyous for siblings, it also can be stressful and confusing. Don’t be alarmed if challenging or distressing behaviors erupt, this is typical. In this guide, you will find a number of common reactions by siblings to the arrival of a new baby. As well, you will find a list of things you can do to help children better accept this life-changing event.

POSSIBLE SIBLING REACTIONS TO A NEW BABY

You might observe an increase in the severity and/or the frequency of your child’s temper tantrums. Initial adjustment may go well, but once the baby becomes more active, perhaps interfering more with your child’s activities and possessions, your child may begin to act out. Similarly, once a child concludes that the baby is here to stay, adverse behaviors may increase.

Your child may decide that they are a big kid and can “do it all by myself” before they are truly ready. They may not accept no for an answer on things they are unable or not permitted to do. Expect them to challenge you. Be consistent and firm with your limits and responses.

Temper tantrums:

You might observe an increase in the severity and/or the frequency of your child’s temper tantrums.

Delayed negative reactions:

Initial adjustment may go well, but once the baby becomes more active, perhaps interfering more with your child’s activities and possessions, your child may begin to act out. Similarly, once a child concludes that the baby is here to stay, adverse behaviors may increase.

Wanting more independence and control:

Your child may decide that they are a big kid and can “do it all by myself” before they are truly ready. They may not accept no for an answer on things they are unable or not permitted to do. Expect them to challenge you. Be consistent and firm with your limits and responses.

Changes in sleep patterns:

These could look like difficulty going to bed, night waking, or nightmares, or early wake ups. Think sleep regressions, but for toddlers.

Be wary of “perfect behavior”:

“Perfect” behavior can be a means of getting attention or masking true feelings, make sure to not ignore a child who is behaving particularly well. Check-in frequently to make sure your child’s behavior is an accurate reflection of their feelings!

PREPARING YOUR CHILD

It is a personal decision when to tell our child about your pregnancy, you may want to discuss the timing with your care provider/doula. Some parents prefer to delay the news as long as they can, nine months is a very long time for a child to comprehend and wait. Remember that it is probably best that your child first hears the news from their parents/caregivers.

Minimize change:

If there is a need for major changes in your child’s life such as; daycare, a new room, or a move to a new home — try to make these changes well in advance of the birth. Too many changes can be overwhelming for children and may interfere with their adjustment to the baby.

Practice Separations:

The day you go into labor can lead to separation—whether the birthing parent goes to the hospital or your child stays with family/friends while you birth at home. This can be quite distressing for your child especially if this is the first significant separation. Prepare your child by practicing separations from you; by leaving them with your partner, a babysitter, or for a sleepover with grandparents, etc. Ensure whoever is caring for your child knows your child’s special routines, especially around nap and bedtimes. Unexpected changes in routines can be very unsettling for children. Remember to practice phoning your child so they know what you sound like on the telephone/over Facetime. If planning a hospital birth, think about taking your child on a tour of the hospital so that they know where you’ll be.

Increase time with other caregivers:

Arrange for your partner and caregivers to spend more time with your child, caring for their basic needs and doing “big kid” stuff. This should make the transition easier to a less primary parent-time when the baby arrives.

Don’t “oversell” the baby”

Be realistic. The child who has been told to expect a playmate will be very disappointed with a baby who mostly sleeps, eats, poops and cries. If you know any babies, (including newborns) let your child spend some time with them before the birth so that they can see and get a feel for what babies are really like. If you plan to re-use your child’s crib, high chair, or other meaningful belongings, store them away for a few months before bringing them out for baby’s use. (Peter’s Chair by Ezra Jack Keats, is a great book about this!)