When my baby started sleeping through the night around 6 months of age, I thought I’d finally feel more rested and energetic. I had experienced the usual sleepless (or interrupted at the very least) nights that many parents face in the 4th trimester. But instead of finally getting caught up on some z’s, I found myself lying wide awake for hours, unable to sleep even when the house was finally quiet. Turns out, I’d developed postpartum insomnia. It was frustrating, confusing, and totally unexpected. I know firsthand how crucial sleep is for recovery and mental health, so I want to share some strategies that can help manage sleep deprivation during this challenging season. Even though a certain amount of sleep will be lost (a lot more for some than others) I want you to know there is hope, and there are strategies and ways to get through each stage of your sleep recovery program (that’s what I’m calling it anyway).
Sleep deprivation may have already begun to rear its head in pregnancy in the form of insomnia, which can be common for some people prenatally. In the postpartum period it’s more commonly caused by your baby’s needs and their feeding schedule (hellooooo night feeds, diaper changes and soothing!). But, if you experience any of the following, reach out to your mental health supports and/or care providers immediately:
- Thoughts of suicide or self harm.
- Hallucinations,
- Not being able to sleep when sleep is available (when a baby is sleeping, or someone else is caring for them).
- Not being able to meet your fundamental needs of nourishment or hygiene.
- If you feel resentment towards your baby or your partner or EW having thoughts of harming one or both of them.
If you are feeling what you consider safe and expected levels of sleep deprivation – consider asking yourself some of the prompts below to create scaffolding that will allow you to meet your sleep needs during this time.
How has sleep deprivation affected you in the past?
Do you have limits to what your body can handle?
- If so, how can you hire or gather supports to allow you to sleep as much as you need?
- What do these limits look and feel like?
To better support yourself, how can you prepare your support team and community for how you may be affected?
How can you make your resources (your community, wellness practitioners, medical providers) easily available, when you are feeling under-resourced or in crisis?
- Are there additional wellness supports you need to seek out or reconnect with?
- Standing appointments are ideal as you can then build childcare around them, while allowing yourself to lean on their consistency.
If you don’t want to hire on-demand services such as doulas, sleep trainers, home cooking, but are considering doing so down the road– take the time to research options and make note of their contact information. You may even want to send an introductory email to reach out and learn more about their availability. Having this information at the ready will make it easier for you to move forward with accessing this support, if you choose to do so later on! As your needs may change over time, keep the door open for accessing these services throughout your journey.
Skills to support yourself are important. These include:
Time management. Doing the dishes or tidying the house does not always need to be a priority. Make time for your rest during the day and optimal hours (When other kids are being cared for! When your dog is being walked! When your partner is running errands!).
Napping. Finding what you need to fall asleep during the day and at the drop of a hat is necessary. It may be black-out blinds, white noise, a weighted blanket, CBD, breathwork, or screen time rules.
Delegation. If you can build systems with your family to support you, do so! Can your partner(s), and kids take on tasks that you constantly are having to prioritize over sleep? (Kids learning to put away their own toys, partners doing post-meal clean up, or folks in your community coming to do afternoon park time for your other kids/afternoon walk with your newborn)
Asking for help. When you hit your wall and are reeling from the effects of sleep deprivation, reach out to your partner and community. Even if simply to share where you are at, or to get help with those pesky chores you can’t seem to get on top of, or to make sure your newborn is being cared for safely while you learn to nap and rest.
Saying no. Many of you will have learned this skill recently, but simplifying and reducing the amount you do is key in finding precious time to be able to rest. Saying no is one of the first steps!
Understanding newborn sleep can give you the perspective to set up the proper systems. Newborns sleep for around 14 – 17 hours in a 24 hour period, in bursts of 2 – 3 hours. They have sleep cycles that last 40 minutes, and they usually need your help settling and falling back asleep/into a deeper sleep once a cycle is over (to then “link” a cycle). “Connecting a cycle” is staying asleep for 80 + minutes. By six to nine weeks, babies are learning to differentiate between day and night, and can shift their sleep accordingly. They may also be slowly becoming more sensitive to daytime’s effects on their sleep (light, sound, etc).
You can support your newborn in having more predictable and efficient sleep by being aware of a few key things:
Ideal baby wake windows. Newborns should not be awake for longer than 50 or so minutes, or they become overtired (even when ready for bed) and have a hard time getting to sleep. For many parents this looks like “fighting” sleep and a very fussy baby.
Swaddling. This is key to the womb-like conditions that babies love. Make it tight enough for them to not wiggle out of it, but not too tight to fit a finger or two underneath. Many babies may fuss at first and then fall asleep, giving them time to acclimate and show you how they feel over a longer period of time. Be aware that babies may be fussing for reasons beyond the swaddle. Be sure to try it a few times before writing it off!
Linking cycles. Many new parents will jump to pick up their newborn after every cry or stir. But as newborns link sleep cycles (every 40 minutes) they usually just need a pat, a heavy hand on their chest, a rock in their bed, an adjustment of their soother, or shushing.
Sleep supports. Babies sleep best in the darkest conditions possible, with white noise and womb-like conditions.
Caloric intake. Making sure your baby is getting enough to eat during the day, to sustain them to go for longer and deeper stretches throughout the night, Make sure that your chest still gets emptied throughout the night, to ensure your prolactin production stays adequate! The ways in which you feed your baby will affect both of your sleep. Remember that you are in charge of your feeding relationship.
How can you adjust your feeding journey to optimize sleep?
- Could you introduce bottles into your nursing journey? Who could take that on to allow you to sleep through that feed?
- Would pumping feel easier than feeding directly from your body? Who could feed with your pumped milk?
- Pumping before your newborn wakes will be helpful to relieve the urgency of them needing to feed, or of your chest needing to be emptied.
Could your baby be cared for by someone else while you slept through the whole night, or through a feed? (If you want to maintain your milk supply, you would then pump every 4 or so hours)
- See what you can build in as continuous support for your sleep health. For some, having one or more nights a week to maintain your wellness is necessary, as opposed to having one or two nights when feeling unwell, and playing a constant game of catch-up.
Bodies react differently to sleep deprivation, but some symptoms you may be feeling are: cognitive impairment (slowed thinking, smaller attention span, memory loss, poor/risky decision making), lack of energy and mood changes. Lasting effects may include immunodeficiency, lack of balance, coordination struggles, and weight gain. Once you have experienced the effects of sleep deprivation, there are many ways to cope and move forward in restoring sleep hygiene, and feeling more rested.
Medications. Your primary care provider may be able to support you through prescription medications, ranging from support for anxiety (if your brain is keeping you up) to sleep aids for getting you to sleep faster and more consistently.
Sleep routines and hygiene. Routines are crucial in being able to get your body back to its normal rhythm, and supporting any bumps along the way, such as:
General routines that you repeat, to remind your brain and body that it’s time for bed, are great aids. They could consist of drinking a certain tea, personal hygiene care, putting on certain clothes, doing a soothing activity, etc.
Screens and blue light can disrupt your inner rhythm, and make you lose touch with your true levels of fatigue/sleep cues
- Put your phone away at least 1 – 2 hours before bed time, swapping for a book or journal – especially if you are a chronic note taker.
- Dim your lights, and make sure they are all warm – to help soothe your nervous system and cue your circadian rhythm.
- Light movement can support more restful sleep, and help you get back to sleep if you wake up in the night.
- Supplements can also aid you in improving overall sleep quality. Try magnesium bisglycinate (B Calm) and melatonin.
The intricacies of sharing sleep with a partner may need to be re-evaluated.
- What shapes the reasons you sleep together or apart?Do you have the room in your house to sleep apart? Do work needs force or allow you to alter sleeping arrangements?
- If you were able to, would you want to tag team sleep? This could look like one person in charge of supporting your newborn for half the night, and the other person in charge of the other half of the night. This could ensure proper longer portions of sleep for each. Would you rather do the nights alone, let your partner sleep and have them take care of your newborn at night so that you could have reliable rest and recovery time during the days?
- Connecting together (intimately, sexually, and romantically) can be strongly tied to your bedroom and sleep. To help ease the pressure of having to chat through intimacy needs now, you can always set a time to check back in – in 3 weeks, 3 months, or more.
Remember, sleep deprivation is hard on anyone, especially new parents navigating the physical and emotional demands of postpartum life. It can make even the most even tempered and chill people feel like they are losing their minds! Be gentle with yourself and know that it’s okay to ask for help, take breaks, and make adjustments. Prioritizing your rest isn’t just good for you—it’s essential for your whole family’s well-being. Take small steps, build a support system, and keep open communication with your care providers. You deserve to feel rested and supported in this journey. Take it one night at a time, and reach out when you need it!
