We’re told to secure our own oxygen mask first before helping our kids. But in my parenting journey so far—21 months with my daughter, Louie, and the 9 months leading up to her birth—I’ve found that life on the ground works a little differently.
In fact, I find it best if I employ the exact opposite of what we hear in pre-flight safety briefings.
The routines that help my mental health actually work better when Louie and Katie are supported first. Then I am free to go and feel more settled when I play hockey (weirdly, late-night beer league games aren’t so bad when you’re already sleep-deprived—and getting to be there for bedtime makes it feel like a win-win) or catch up with friends or go watch sports.
Exercise for me has always been a piece of self-care that I run to, pardon the dad joke. I routinely go for a quick run, play those aforementioned games of beer league hockey, or work out. These days, that’s something I do at home thanks to the pandemic.
When my gym shut down, I found some guided, body weight exercises on YouTube and I cycle through those. None of them are over 15 minutes long so it is something I feel like I can manage pretty much every day. Not having to go to a physical gym is nice, too. Louie is also increasingly rambunctious and even likes “working out” with me even if her pushups look more like dramatic flops.
I also like to incorporate Louie into the activities that already sustained my mental health long before fatherhood. I used to go on long walks. Now I take Louie along—just making sure to bring snacks. I also am quite the fast-food-fanatic. Luckily, those spots are inherently kid-friendly.
Put simply, just do the things you already like to do. It’s definitely not as easy as it was pre-kids and it takes infinitely more planning. But I think you get that back in how rewarding it is to do with your kiddo. In these toddler years, what you’ve created is a built-in best friend.
Laughing with them, smelling the roses with them, and explaining what exactly is happening in that blur out the side of the stroller on those long walks are all nourishing.
None of this is to say it’s easy or there aren’t hard moments. There’ve been rocky moments for my mental health along the way, like navigating early pregnancy losses, the intrusive thoughts around how precious this newborn was, or the “I’m doing a million things right now and I’m not doing any of them well” feelings of being a working parent.
But, parenting also increases our capacity in all facets. It turns out we were actually doing it all perfectly fine, if not well, the whole time we thought we were doing none of it well. That newborn grows into a toddler you are somehow, against all odds, keeping alive. I think mental health feels that capacity uptick as well. I have had a lot of reflections, and epiphanies, and growth in these almost two years.
I’m still learning how to support my family while making space for myself. It’s a work in progress—and likely always will be. But I’m lucky: the things that brought me peace before Louie have only deepened with her.
And it seems to bring as much life-giving oxygen as those overhead masks do.
