When we brought our tiny baby home from the hospital, he wouldn’t sleep unless he was on my chest. My partner and I took turns sitting up with him through the evenings, trading shifts and caffeine. I was terrified something would happen to him, but we were so exhausted we would have tried anything to get a few extra minutes of rest. As soon as we could, we moved him into a bassinet beside the bed, and months later we tried a version of “sleep training.” It did help him learn to self-soothe and fall asleep, but it was much harder on us than I expected.
Would I do it the same way again? I’m not sure — and maybe I’ll never know. But through my work at Brood, and because of my own experience, I’ve come to see how much of what we call “normal” baby sleep is cultural, not biological, and how most families are just trying to find safety, rest, and connection in whatever way they can.
For many families, sleep takes on a different form than what was expected. You might have started with a baby in a separate bassinet beside your bed, only to find yourself nursing at 3 a.m. with your baby curled up next to you. Maybe you swore you’d never bedshare, but the only way anyone gets rest is when your baby is pressed close. You are not alone! Studies show a large share of parents end up bedsharing at some point in the first few months. The issue is that most don’t plan for it, and secrecy and shame can lead to it being less safe than it can be. This post isn’t about promoting bedsharing; it’s about what the research shows, and how to make nights safer if it happens.
What the Official Guidelines Say
The highest-risk situations almost always involve accidental bedsharing — when a baby falls asleep with a caregiver on a couch or armchair, or in an adult bed that hasn’t been made safe for an infant. These moments are often born from exhaustion, when parents never intended to share a sleep surface but doze off during a feed or while comforting a crying baby.
What research has made increasingly clear, however, is that not all bedsharing is the same. There’s a crucial difference between accidental bedsharing and planned, prepared bedsharing. When caregivers intentionally create a safer sleep environment with known risk factors removed.
In 2014, a large PLOS ONE study led by Peter Blair analyzed over 1,400 infant sleep-related deaths and found that bedsharing without hazards present (no smoking, no alcohol or drug use, no sofa sleeping, no soft bedding) was not associated with increased SIDS risk. In contrast, unplanned or hazardous bedsharing — particularly on couches, with smoke exposure, or under the influence of substances — carried the highest risk by far.
This is a key nuance that often gets lost in public messaging. Universal “no bedsharing” advice aims to protect the most vulnerable families, but for many, that message isn’t realistic. When parents do end up sharing a bed — as the majority eventually do — knowing how to make that space safer can literally save lives.
The goal isn’t to challenge the guidelines but to expand the conversation: to help families understand the difference between risky and responsive sleep so they can plan for what’s actually likely to happen in the middle of the night..
A History of Sleeping Apart: How “Cry It Out” Became Normal
To understand modern sleep norms, we need to look back. For most of human history, infants were held, carried, and slept beside their caregivers throughout day and night. In many cultures around the world — from Japanese oya-ne practices to the caregiving traditions of the Efe and !Kung peoples in Africa, the Maya in Central America, and Inuit families in the Arctic — close sleep remains the norm. Anthropologists describe this as the biological baseline for our species: constant proximity, responsiveness, and shared rest between caregiver and baby.
The move toward separate sleep and scheduled “self-soothing” developed alongside industrialization and early child-rearing advice that framed independence as a virtue. These ideas were seen as progressive and scientifically sound in their time.
- In 1894, pediatrician Luther Emmett Holt published *The Care and Feeding of Children* and included the phrase “Cry It Out,” encouraging rigid schedules and discipline in infant care. His work is often cited as an early Western modern parenting manual, suggesting infants should be trained to accept separation. (https://www.southernnaturalparentingnetwork.org/cosleeping-and-sleep-development/a-timeline-of-horrors-the-history-of-sleep-training)
- The rise of industrialization in the 19th century played a large role — as families moved to cities and more parents (especially fathers) worked in factories, childcare needed to become more “manageable.” Some argued that the idea of babies sleeping independently aligned with the demands of factory hours and the social push for productivity. (https://medicalhealthhumanities.com/2018/07/10/the-curious-history-of-sleeping-through-the-night/)
- In the 20th century, behaviourists like John B. Watson and pediatric advice manuals urged “self‑soothing” and warned against spoilage or too much affection — messages that dovetailed with cultural values of independence, discipline, and efficiency.
- More recently, scholars like Jennifer G. Rosier and Tracy Cassels have traced how the cry-it-out (CIO) method became “authoritative knowledge” in Western parenting culture by using fear, normative messaging, and positioning crying as a problem to be fixed rather than a baby’s communication.
This history is important because it shows that what many believe to be “natural” or “normal” — teaching infants to sleep alone — is actually a cultural shift, not a biological imperative. As we unlearn that narrative, many families return to proximity-based sleep in ways that feel safer and more connected.
What the Research Actually Shows
When researchers remove major hazards, like parental smoking, sofa or chair sleeping, and impairment, the picture changes. A 2014 PLOS ONE study found that in the absence of those risk factors, bedsharing was not statistically associated with increased SIDS risk. The danger has more to do with environment and context than mere proximity.
This does not mean bedsharing is risk-free for everyone. Infants under 3–4 months, preterm or low birth weight babies, or families with any of the risk factors above are in a more vulnerable group. In many cultures where proximity sleeping is normative, safety is supported by careful bedding, awareness, and continuous caregiver presence. Often babies are cared for by multiple people, so everyone feels resourced and rested in order to care for the baby the best they can.
Why Proximity Can Be Protective
Research led by Dr. James McKenna and anthropologist Helen Ball highlights how parent and infant bodies synchronize during co‑sleep. Their arousal patterns, breathing, and responsiveness often align in gentle, light sleep modes, which may help prevent dangerously deep sleep states in babies. Ball’s broader research into “sleep ecology” and cross-cultural infant sleep practices underscores that close sleep is often part of a broader system of attuned caregiving. (https://www.durham.ac.uk/staff/h-l-ball/)
Proximity also supports easier nighttime breastfeeding, helps regulate baby’s physiological systems, and ensures quicker caregiver response. These mechanisms suggest that sleeping close can be a protective strategy when done thoughtfully.
How to Make Bedsharing Safer (If It Happens or You Fall Asleep While Feeding)
Because many sleep patterns shift unpredictably in early parenthood, bedsharing may happen even when not planned. If that’s your experience, here is what research-based harm reduction suggests to reduce risk:
- Never sleep with your baby on a sofa or armchair — those are by far the highest-risk surfaces.”
- Avoid bedsharing if you or your partner have consumed alcohol, sedatives, or other impairing substances.
- Don’t share the bed if anyone smokes (including prenatal or environmental exposure).
- Always place baby on their back, on a firm mattress with no pillows, heavy duvets, or loose bedding near the baby’s face.
- Keep the sleep surface free of pets, siblings, or loose objects.
- Avoid overheating — dress the baby lightly and keep the room temperature moderate.
- If you’re nursing and are likely to fall asleep, do so in bed rather than on a couch.
- For young, premature, or low-birth-weight infants, very cautious approaches are recommended — ideally, use a separate bassinette or sidecar crib next to the bed.
- Emphasize gentle vigilance: being present, responsive, and avoiding dangerous habits.
Why “Never Bedshare” Doesn’t Always Work
Many parents feel guilt or shame if their baby comes into bed, even when it is the only attainable path to sleep. Strict “never bedshare” messaging can backfire. It may drive families to make unsafe choices in secret—like falling asleep on couches or under heavy blankets—because admitting the need feels taboo. Meanwhile, our culture offers minimal night support to new families, fewer options for shared care duty, and unrealistic ideas of independence. When parents are sleep-deprived and isolated, safe decisions become harder to sustain.
When families have better support, like overnight doulas, community care, or shared night shifts, they are more likely to make safer choices and feel compassionate toward their vulnerability!
Honest Conversations Lead to Safer Nights
If you’ve ever found yourself sleeping side by side with your baby out of sheer exhaustion, please know you’re not alone. You’re responding to a deep biological instinct to keep your child close, safe, and connected. Safety isn’t about perfection — it’s about awareness, preparation, and compassion.
At Brood, our postpartum and overnight doulas help families navigate nights with calm confidence. Whether that means preparing your sleep space, caring for your baby overnight, or simply holding space while you rest, we believe parents deserve both safety and rest.
Today, I’m a solo parent sharing custody of my five-year-old — and we share a bed. It’s one of the most wonderful things I’ve done for myself. After those early months of strict sleep rules and tearful nights of “cry it out,” I’ve found peace in being able to sleep safely beside my child, without fear. It’s not the right path for everyone, but it’s what works for us. And that’s what this whole conversation is really about: finding the version of rest that feels safe, sustainable, and right for your family.
